How Asian should I be? It’s hard navigating as a first generation Asian American.

Dear Evolving Mom,

Congratulations on accomplishing what you set out to do - successfully raising your son to be a young man who is proud of his heritage.    

I totally hear you that it’s not easy to navigate the terrain as a first generation Chinese/Taiwanese American with the push and pull of trying to retain and celebrate certain traditions while assimilating and weaving American culture into your life.  

I would start with giving yourself permission to be comfortable expressing and celebrating your own culture on your terms.  I can see how you wouldn’t integrate Mandarin into your life given that you always had to speak Mandarin in a whisper and keep it inside the confines of your home.  

Rewrite your Mandarin Story

It’s time to rewrite your Mandarin story.  Hear ye!  Hear ye!  From now on, Mandarin will be spoken anywhere, anytime and in any tone of voice.  

Follow this up with something easy.  

As noted by author James Clear in Atomic Habits, making it easy is a big part of putting something into habit.  I’m paraphrasing…

What are you most proud of about your cultural heritage?  

Food is a delicious place to start

Vietnamese food is one of my favorite cuisines and I tell anyone who is willing to listen.  From the rooftops, I shout how much I Iove pho, shaky beef, imperial rolls and three flavored desserts (che ba mau). In sharing my love for Vietnamese food, I feel like a little acorn sprinkling and planting the idea that Vietnamese food is delicious. Normalizing, if you will, different Asian cuisines.  

Let’s talk dim sum.  Do you remember when dim sum used to be a dining experience loaded with aromatic carts awaking our senses, allowing us to simply nod at what we desired? 

 “Wash it down with tea!” my mom used to always say.  She claimed tea flushed out all the oils.  I’m happy to still believe this is true. 

Dim Sum hails from China but did you know boba originates from Taiwan as do scallion pancakes? 

I celebrated by creating a series of boba stickers and I splash them on my car, cell phone, notebooks, etc. to show off my Taiwanese pride.  

My favorite smoothie cup!

Connect

Are there ways you can connect with others similar to yourself?  If you’re in college,  an Asian American club might have legs or you might take a cultural dance class. Meetup is also a great place to find groups where you can practice language skills; or perhaps a Mahjong group.  

I also want to remind you that you guided your son to be as comfortable as he is with his cultural background so I think you are a perfect guide.  

In Conclusion

Consider treating yourself like a child in your care that you’d like to introduce to all the amazing things in your culture.  Let your stomach, I mean interests, lead the way.  

Perhaps an Artist Date (fun solo outing) à la Julia Cameron to your favorite dim sum restaurant?  If you don’t have one yet, this is a great opportunity to find one.  I wonder if Apple Music has any Mandarin songs?  It does!  Take a listen.    

I hope you’ve found this to be helpful!

Your Friend, 

Ah Mei

Dear Ah Mei,

When I was growing up, my Taiwanese mother told me to speak Mandarin in a hushed voice as “Americans” hated the sound of Asian languages on their ears.  My Chinese father further asserted that English was the only language he wanted to hear my siblings and me speak.    

I remember speaking to my parents in a mix of Mandarin and English but only speaking to my siblings in English.  I was three and a half when I immigrated to the US, my sister 7 and my brother 5. 

Of course this is just a blip of my childhood but it’s a reminder that growing up as a first generation Chinese/Taiwanese immigrant was complicated. 

Fast Forward

Years later, when I found out I was pregnant, I remember not wanting my son to feel the insecurity I felt around my Asian background.  I wanted him to be unequivocally proud of his heritage.

When my son was a baby, I tried to speak to him with my limited Mandarin vocabulary.  Not surprisingly, he didn’t pick up the language.  

The summer of my son’s 5th grade, I found a Chinese Camp not too far from our home and my son happily started attending. He loved the foods they cooked, the movies they watched and games they played at Chinese Camp.  They also taught the campers to read, write, and speak Mandarin. That summer he asked me to pack him udon noodles for lunch and I remember having to buy a cute little blue thermos to accommodate his request.  

In middle school, we took our son to Austria.  I recall my son prodding me to help a Chinese man asking a store clerk for help in Mandarin.  I obliged and I’ll never forget the look of pride on my son’s face afterwards.  He beamed, “That was so cool, mom” and his words gave me a feeling of awe that my Mandarin was a gift.  

My son is a teenager now and I’m happy to see him so fully comfortable as a second generation Asian American - eating, saying and being around whomever he chooses.  I’m grateful for his love of all things Asian and I can’t help wishing I was more like that too.  Any thoughts? 

Sincerely, 

Evolving Mom