Don’t internalize their responses and turn the blame on yourself.

Dear Seen,

I want to acknowledge you and tell you,

“You are NOT invisible and I see you.” 

Sometimes being around people that don’t see us can make our experience exponentially more difficult and lonely. 

Let’s address your friends’ “jokes” about your neighbor Stephanie.  The… “Maybe she has a crush on your husband” or “Did you do anything to offend her?” comments - those sound victim blaming to me and I can hear the microaggression in those comments.  

Let’s define microaggressions:

Professor Kevin Nadal told NPR, "Microaggressions are defined as the everyday, subtle, intentional — and oftentimes unintentional — interactions or behaviors that communicate some sort of bias toward historically marginalized groups."

In contrast to jokes or dismissive comments, what would being supportive look like?  

We don’t always have the right words at the right time but I think when we are dealing with sensitive material, i.e. racism, there are a few tips I would recommend for when we are on the listening end.  

Tip #1 - Choose to Believe:

Go ahead and choose to believe your friend’s telling you the truth about their experience.

Tip #2 - Skip the Jokes: 

A wise friend once told me, a joke is only a joke when everyone is laughing.  Instead of jokes, sit with the discomfort and ask open ended questions like, how did this all begin vs. did you do something offensive?

It is powerful when we share and we are believed in contrast to having to convince someone of our experience.  

If you feel the need to explain beginning to surface, versus the desire to express, it might be time to exit the conversation for now.  Conserve your energy and check that you are not in the defensive position.  After all, you are looking for support here, not trying to win a case.  

Re: Your neighbor

I’m so sorry she has chosen NOT to acknowledge you on so many occasions.  It must feel somewhat gaslighting when the support around you does not seem to recognize how gross this behavior is versus wondering what your part is in it.  

Your neighbor sounds dreadful and your friends dropped the ball as well when it came to buoying you up and I’m sorry for both of those things.  

Continue to trust your instincts and find ways to do things that make you feel safe where you live, i.e. gardening or walking with headphones or earbuds.  What you don’t want to do is internalize both your neighbor’s actions and your friend’s responses and begin turning the blame on yourself.  You deserve to be seen, acknowledged and respected no matter your race, gender, pronouns, beliefs etc…  

I hope you’ve found my response helpful and I wish you well.  

Your Friend,

Ah Mei

———— 

Dear Ah Mei,

My neighbor who lives right behind me often walks her dog past my house.  I  have tried on many occasions to greet her but she never acknowledges me.  I’ve noticed her chatting up my husband, who happens to be white, a few times but surely she just hasn’t heard or seen me the various times when I’ve said hello right?  

For example, I was in my front yard trimming my roses around the perimeter of my house and my neighbor, let’s call her Stephanie, walked by with her dog.  I greeted Stephanie with a hello but she didn’t respond.  Wondering if it was possible that she just didn’t see or hear me, I stood up from my stooped, clipping roses position and turned towards her and said hello again making sure to project my voice but still, she did not respond.  

Also, the other day while rushing out the door, I forgot my cell phone.  Very quickly, I realized and my husband turned our car around to drop me off at our front door.  I grabbed my cell phone from my room and was running back to the car when I encountered Stephanie.  She was walking her dog right across my front walkway and there was no way for me to avoid her so I took a deep breath and thought, just say hi, I’m sure she’ll say hi back so I approached her with a warm, “Hi, how’s it going?”  

Stephanie turned to her dog still not responding to me and said, “We don’t know her.  We don’t know her.”    

I was literally in shock.  She did not look at me as I walked right past her and chose to talk to her dog instead of me.

The following day, my husband and I went for a walk in our neighborhood and we happened to cross paths with Stephanie.  Upon seeing us, she gave a slight smile and said hello.  I almost said hi back out of habit but took a cue from my husband who simply looked away.  

Ah Mei, when I’ve told this story to a few friends they have  joked that maybe Stephanie just likes my husband or maybe I’ve done something to offend her but I have only ever said hello to Stephanie and though it may be true that she likes my husband, I have a feeling it’s more than that.  

What do you think?

Sincerely, 

Invisible